"Conflict Resolution"
Matthew 18:15-20
September 7, 2008
St. Paul United Methodist Church
Rev. John A. Fleming
I ran across a poem a couple of different times this week from a couple of different resources, which, I think, is God's way of letting me know that I am supposed to share it with you. It's a four lined poem and unfortunately I have no idea who the author is. These are the four lines.
To live above with those who love,
Well, that will be glory.
To live below with those we know
Well, that's another story….
As I told you in last week's sermon, the Bible, from cover to cover affirms that sometimes people have a hard time getting along. The letters that Paul wrote to the churches he claimed pastoral responsibility for are full of wise counsel about what to do when a conflict arises. It seems that Paul dealt with conflict all of the time. For me, Paul has great authority, but no authority is better to me that Jesus'. In our gospel lesson for this morning, Jesus gives us good advice about what to do when a conflict arises in the church.
Today I want us to hear these words of Jesus and to think about them not just in terms of the people we worship with, but also with the people we work with and live with and know. It was Rodney King, from Los Angeles, who, several years ago asked a great question. It was this one: "Why can't we just get along?"
It is Jesus who gives us some good advice today. Let's look at these five verses from Matthew's gospel. I guess the first thing I want you to hear this morning is that Matthew has no romantic illusions about the church. He know that the church is not all sweet thoughts, patient saints, and clear skies. Matthew knows that church people are people and people, no matter how committed they are, are people.
In the church we sing, "Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love…" But sometimes those ties strangle and sometimes painful breaks happen in what used to be a tender relationship.
In the church we sing, "We are one in the Spirit we are one in the Lord…" But sometimes cruel words can cause a church to splinter into many parts. The first church I served right out of seminary was situated right between two Assembly of God Churches. Harmony Grove was a small community that didn't really need two Assembly of God Churches and so I wondered and then I heard the story of how there was a problem in the church. The pastor stood up one Sunday and said he was leaving and was going to start his own congregation. He invited anyone who wanted to join him to do so and half of the church did.
In the church we sing, "The church's one foundation is Jesus Christ her Lord…" But there are things that sometimes happen, things like greed and lust and envy that can shake even the strongest of a church at its very foundation. So what do you do when the menu at the potluck meal includes things like rage and hurt feelings?
Well, Jesus gives us his opinion and he begins with these words, "If another member of the church sins against you…" What follows is a detailed process for dealing with problems inside the church. Some churches, I understand, have used this three fold plan. What is really good about it is how persistent and time consuming it is. If you use it, no one is written off in haste. No one is fired on the spot. No one slams the door or has it slammed on them. Instead a lot of energy is expended on making peace and mending relationships.
This process, by the way, is not one the world usually uses. In the world, if someone hassles you, then forget them. The problem is no longer your problem. You do not have to have anything to do with them. You don't need the hassle! It is different in the church. In the church relationships are precious and valuable and worth every ounce of time and energy to work on them.
Now I want you to know that all of this is set in motion by the verses leading up to our lesson for today. In them we have Matthew's version of Jesus' parable about what to do with a wandering sheep. I like Luke's version better, but both of them say the same thing. They say that if one out of a hundred sheep wanders off, the shepherd should leave the ninety-nine in search of the drifter. This image of a shepherd with a sheep in his arms should not just be in our stained glass windows. The image must come alive in the Sanctuary and in the hallways and in the relationships of our lives.
I don't know if you have seen it or not, but there is a great scene in the movie Simon Birch. The movie is taken, loosely, from John Irving's book A Prayer for Owen Meaney. There is a scene in the movie where Simon has just ruined the Christmas play. It is the last straw for Simon's pastor. Simon had done several things and now this. So the pastor calls Simon into his office and says, "Simon, the church needs a break from you." We don't say that in the church. I never will understand pastors who can say that to church members. The point of these words of Jesus are that we must do all that we can to regain a brother and reclaim a sister and to make the flock whole again.
There is, though, a stopping point and Jesus recognizes that. When you have done all you can, you must move on. When church folks are tired of knocks on the door with offers of covered dishes full of repentance and forgiveness, then it is time to move on. Jesus knew the power of moving on. He told his disciples that if a town did not welcome them, they were to shake the dust off of their sandals as a testimony against the town. But it is a last resort.
Here Jesus' advice is to do all you can do. Go and talk with them in person. If that doesn't work, take a couple of people with you. If that doesn't work, bring up the problem at the next church council meeting to see if the problem can be resolved. If it cannot, then and only then, should you move on. Like I said a moment ago, some churches use these steps in hopes of peace.
Now, my experience of people leaving a church, this one or any other one, is that they do not go away mad. Often they slip away. They miss a few Sundays and before long it has been a month or two. Hopefully they come back. Hopefully someone from the church, someone who usually sits near them will call them. When you've missed several Sundays, often it is hard to come back. When they return, I hope we will say, "I'm glad you're here. We've missed you." I hope we won't say, "Where have you been?" The goal, friends, is always restoration.
Now I know what the Bible says about resolving problems inside its walls but if it is all right with you, with the time we have left in our sermon this morning, and on our way to the communion rail today, I would like to offer a couple of things, a couple of hints from life about getting along with one another. It just seems to me that where conflict needs to be resolved is in our personal lives, not just in our church lives. So let me offer these two things.
First, tell the truth. It is hard to go wrong with the truth. Relationships grounded in the truth are always better relationships. We need to stop pretending and denying and covering things up. We need not diminish the truth.
The fifty-first Psalm is David's confession to God for an affair he had with Bathsheeba and his putting her husband, Uriah, on the front of a battle line. David tells God that he knows God desires the truth in the inner parts of our souls. Honesty with ourselves and with God is a great place to start. It's hard to help ourselves or to help anyone else with anything else if we're living anything other than an honest life.
Somewhere I ran across what the great Philosopher, Aristotle once said, "We must tell the truth, to the right person, at the right time, in the right way, for the right reason." Not every truth is ours to tell. Truths that are told in confidence are to stay there. Here's what I think, before any words pass our lips, they must pass a test, the test of love. Here are the test questions, "Are the words true? Are they kind? Are they necessary?" In your heart, give a truthful answer to those questions before you speak.
Time is fleeting so let me quickly give you a second piece of advice. We need to be truthful. We also need to be flexible. One preacher I know put it this way, "It will be a great day when families stop demanding perfection from those they love." Believe me, I am a recovering perfectionist. I know. We all have our quirks. We squeeze toothpaste in different places. We all have different tolerance and messy levels. I have learned that saying, "Susie, that's not the way my mother does that" is not helpful! We all make mistakes. We all follow too much the desires and devices of our hearts. We all have left undone those things we ought to have done and done those things we had no business doing.
I read this week that seventy percent of the conflicts that are there at the beginning of a relationship and there throughout it. Changing someone may not happen. We also need to realize that there is a difference between a conflict that scratches the skin and one that deeply hurts the soul.
And here we are on communion Sunday morning, where this invitation is always issued. "Christ our Lord invites to his table all who love him, who earnest repent of their sins, and seek to live in peace with one another." Those words should not keep you away from this table, but draw you closer to it. The key word is "seek" as in "….seek to live in peace with one another." Above all else, I believe that what we want more than anything is to live at peace with everyone. Let us pray.
(I am indebted to the writings of Thomas Long and J. Howard Olds for ideas and words in this sermon. Thanks to them for their ideas and words).